Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Dear Everyone

Dear Everyone,

I initially sat down to write to my mom. I wanted to tell her that even though I haven't been writing, it's not because I've forgotten. Oh hell no.

I stopped posting for a while because I was afraid that I was making my readers' lives difficult, thinking they feel obligated to click the link and commiserate with me. I also imagined that had I tormented my family by sending them her needlepoint.

Then I realized I needed to continue posting and that I wanted to write to you. I'm here to tell all of YOU that I haven't forgotten. Mom knows I think of her. I tell her everyday. Writing a post on here would not be for her sake. It is for yours.

This blog began as a means for me to share about my mother and connect with people who love her. I wrote because I needed to share my grieving process with my family. It gave me a means to start the conversations that I needed to have. In bearing my emotions, I learned that many of my family members wanted to shield me from this pain. Knowing that they wanted me to be happy and that it was ok for me to let go of a lot of sadness gave me strength to do so.

This blog turned into a space for me to mourn. I would read and reread my posts and those same desolate emotions would surface. Wounds would be uncovered and cleaned, over and over, until they became scars--a memory of an emotion once had.

I also needed to post for myself. I needed to see in black and white that I'm ok. Validation through repeated rumors. The idea that a myth becomes fact on shear human belief--like Bigfoot. My sanity became a monster, written into existence with the continual coverage. 

I am delighted to hear the click clack of the keyboard and the inaudible whispers of a spring morning drizzle. It feels good to stretch my hands and roll my eyes in search of a word just beyond my sight.

I want to continue writing but I don't want to share in the way that I have in the past. I no longer feel as if I'm in emotional stress due to grieving. I no longer need to broadcast this. Of course, I'll always be grieving the loss of my mother but I've found other outlets to manage it. I want to continue writing and I'm here to tell you that I don't know where this project will be going, if anywhere.

But, you should know that I'm ok. I'm great actually. I'm a knitter and kick-boxer in the same day. I'm even taking grad school classes!