Relinquish

I gave in.

I've tried everything to get myself out of this dark place. I want to be out of this dark place. I don't want to be sad about her anymore. I went to work the day after Thanksgiving. I'm out of vacation days and because the post delivers on that day, the lab is open. I had to use my vacation along side FMLA leave. Now, I can't shop on black Friday. There is something wrong with this system. I have to work Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve too. What the hell?

I arrived at work on time. Early, actually, but I couldn't get my head straight. I left my bench multiple times to cry. I'm so mad she's not here. I'm so mad I had to cook by myself Wednesday night.

After about three hours of this, I gave in. To quote my cousin Jesse, "Give up on being a good daughter, sister, girlfriend, etc.  Just be however you are.  That is enough.  It's always enough."  

So I left work. I drove to Whole Foods, while Justin calmed me (he was shopping with Natalie so he had time to spare). I bought a Tofurkey. I spent the rest of the weekend eating Thanksgiving leftovers and watching three seasons of All Creatures Great & Small. Thank you Bob and Ana for having all the seasons available in your collection. I barely left the sofa and slept like a teenager.


I don't feel totally cured but I feel better. I haven't done any running but I'm happier. I haven't eaten 5 vegetables today but I had carrots and cauliflower at lunch and celery at dinner. One day at a time, right?