Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day.

No joke. Today blows.

It's Mother's Day and my mom's dead. My mother would want me to celebrate and honor her. I did that. I baked delicious cookies to share with my aunts and extended family. We exercised (a long bike ride, basketball, and catch with a softball) and I know she'd be proud. She would have been out there grimacing and flexing her muscles at all of us while shouting, "I'm gonna kick your ass on this bike ride! Watch this hook shot!"

Usually I try to have a sunny out look on my situation, but you know what? Not today.

I have been busy with my new job. Saturday I went hiking with my dad, stepmom, and little brother. When I returned home, I cooked up a storm--veggie burgers, meat burgers, portobello mushroom caps, yuca root, raspberry-chocolate cookies, and almond-fig-anise cookies. The house was hazy with oven smoke for hours. I finally admitted to myself, dad, and stepmom that I was crazy with energy because I was freaked out about Mother's Day. For the entire week, I had been successful at avoiding thoughts about today. Around 10 pm, I crashed.

After hours of bizarre, stressful dreams, I woke up at 8:30 am. Crystals flooded in through the window. The sunlight on the floor will always fall (Sarah Harmer in the song Uniform Grey), I thought to myself. I frowned at the wall. As I finished reading the PostSecrets from this week, I heard Andrew present a card to my stepmom.

"What's this?"

"It's because you are such a great mom. Happy Mother's Day."

Endearing and incredibly sweet. Later I presented the gift Andrew and I bought for her at the garden center--a yellow hibiscus plant in a red pot. She had admired it last weekend and was ecstatic to see it appear on the porch.

I packed my bike and headed to my Aunt Susanne's house. In the car I allowed myself to cry, listening to the songs that make me miss her the most. I arrived at the same time as the Glowatz's. Polly noticed that I had been crying but I had to walk away, afraid that if I started again I wouldn't stop. Maybe that's what would have been expected from me. Maybe it would have been ok.

I had a blast visiting with my family. In addition to the exercise, I got to pet the rabbits, and I had a good conversation with Katie during the car ride home. Now it's almost an hour and a half from being over and I can't wait.


  1. Cici would be proud of all your choices today. Crying is good too as are all those wonderful rabbit pets. Never be ashamed of having the deep love and empathy shown by a good cry.