Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Obsessive Drawings

While I was staying in DC, I made a few friends and we galavanted around to museums and bars. My good friend, Hannah, from Indiana came to visit for her spring break and we stayed with my friend, Roy. I spent a week in NYC with my cousin and was so happy. At one party I met two girls who were a comedic duo. Laughter flowed out of my lungs and throughout the room. They divulged later that they were trying to make me laugh because it was so infectious. I got my laugh back.

I had been blissfully ignoring thoughts about my mom, and for a few weeks I had successfully forgotten that she's no longer here. The sadness dissipated, and I stopped answering calls from my brother, sister and aunts.

However, when it would reach 1:30 am and we'd be sitting at the table with our empty wine glasses, I'd start drawing. The first night it was a colorful rocketship made with crayons and when it was completed, I made everyone countdown from 10 and we all yelled BLASTOFF and feverishly covered the edge of the page in yellow, red, and orange wax. When that didn't work, we burned the paper. The following night I had only a pen and drew a large rocketship on my calf. The next night I drew a small one on my hand, which Hannah turned into a night sky. I walk around with BLAST OFF written on the insides of my shoes. I doodled on napkins, receipts and socks. I stuck a note to Roy's fridge that read, "I tried to blast us off into space but it didn't work."

It is apparent to me that although I wasn't talking much about my mother, I was missing her madly. This is grieving. It's not pretty and you can't turn it off but you learn to deal with it. It doesn't always come out in typical ways like anger or depression, and for me, it made me doodle.


  1. "I tried to blast us off into space but it didn't work."

    diet coke and mentos, works every time

  2. Cici gave you something to focus on, the rocketship. It is so strong and positive and forward moving.

    Dont stop all the contact with your family. They worry and you always need their love around you.

  3. I suggest we find the rest of this comedic TRIO (you included) and dress as space women and blast off...with gin...doodle under the stars for a more realistic effect...and celebrate your mommys epic conquering of the galaxy...Well mix grief with giddiness glee gin and gloom, I heard that is the most satisfying cocktail of emotions, however tough to swallow. I will even let you land when you wish and share feelings and memories...because you are the bestest friend I could have made in under three seconds in my pigpen of an apartment.

    <3 Monika

  4. @Amandoid: Let's set up a skype date with crayons!

    @JJ: I will keep that in mind. Would it be a problem if I added rum?

    @ana: I can never really cut myself off from my family. There are too many! The break I took was only about 2 weeks long.


  5. So I consulted my fridge, and it's "I tried to blast us of into space but the rocket ship caught fire" which is pretty much what happened. I had an awesome time with you and Hannah. I think we thoroughly entertained ourselves and eachother for those few nights. Sitting around the dinner table after the jug of wine and burning bits of paper, drawing rockets on calfs and flowers on my shoes or gibber-jabbering into the night off the porch; To me, they were all rituals and celebrations.
    Although you're in mourning, you're a delight to everyone you are with. Laughing with you is awesome because you savor that expression. Just remember the theory of relativity. Although our fate is to experience time linearly, it is not so: what once was, is. For example, if i never see you again, what we have shared is still there...and is dope. But you'll see me again so don't get too hopeful.
    Of course I still have the note on my fridge.
    How's Philly(stake and cheese)?

  6. Philly is good. No stakes, some cheese. LOL I've been working hard and I'm learning to knit. You know, the important things in life.